63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
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Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
These aliens are taking forever.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life