I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
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some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return