I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
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How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Kidney stones? Hard pass
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Kermit goes Blue.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all