I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
You Might Also Like
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
No chill.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated