If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
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Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Twitter remains undefeated
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”