It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
You Might Also Like
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I have never related to anyone more.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Happens to everyone.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Wait a second…
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal