Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
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“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
[shakes fist at other fist]
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.