Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
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[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
They got a point!
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog