I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
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If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar