Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
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[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.