i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
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Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter