@michowl: I get in this weird mood where I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood ‘Awake’
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@fro_vo: Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers? Me: idk i've never done it B4 Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
@JimGaffigan: A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
@thepunningman: [hospital] "I'm afraid it's bad news. Your husband will never walk again" "Oh God, he's paralysed?" "No, someone's bought him rollerblades"