Not my job 😂
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I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since