I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
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*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
The internet is full of many things
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.