I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
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My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again