I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
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Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
i can’t wait that long
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Easy enough.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.