I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
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My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president