I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
You Might Also Like
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.