I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
You Might Also Like
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.