@RidiculousSheri: I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
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@KrazykurtKurt: I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I've had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
@StarksWeek: "Holy shit, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
@iwearaonesie: wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway? me: So your mom doesn't have to borrow the car