I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
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I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
cry laughing at this shit
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over