him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
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Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Found my door mat
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Your honor these allegations are
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick