@DamienFahey: I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Magic words that make my children disappear: 3) Bath time 2) Who did this?! 1) When I was your age...
@MariyaAlexander: Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
@stenokel: Jehovah's witnesses are at my door. *Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, "Are you the keymaster?"*
@awkwardphilippe: That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.