@DamienFahey: I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
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@CaniacMONK: My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
@OtherDanOBrien: [Bomb will explode in 26 seconds] *googles "how to defuse a bomb"* *clicks top result* *it's a 17-page slideshow.* GODDAMMIT *an ad plays*
@5exyunchained: A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she's homeless.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.