I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
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prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*