I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
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“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
So inspired right now.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Yup.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.