Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
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As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.