Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
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If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
twitter users today:
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly