I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
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People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?