I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
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A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.