I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
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Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Breaking news:
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Not today, today.
Not today.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.