I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
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Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Interior design 👌
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.