[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
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Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
#Caturday
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah