[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
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I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Friday night party time 🥳
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.