I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
You Might Also Like
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Me trying to look natural in photos
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies