I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
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My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Breaking news:
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.