Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
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Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Stonehinge
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Beware of fowl play.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car