[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
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“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?