I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
You Might Also Like
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?