I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
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Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
a badder mouse
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.