@OhNoSheTwitnt: I get you, anti-evolution people. I'm too lazy to learn science too.
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@XplodingUnicorn: [Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV] 3-year-old: I hate this show. Me: What's wrong with it? 3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
@ShittyComedian: No officer the joke's on you. That breathalyzer will never tell you how much acid I dropped tonight.