I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
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My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Oh deer
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it