I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
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Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*