I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
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The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”