I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
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I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*