I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
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Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Is this you?
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale