I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
You Might Also Like
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Thursday
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it