My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
You Might Also Like
tell em, edith-anne
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
cyclists
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?