I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
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I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
*limbos away from your hug*
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.