@Milariou: I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
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@LionJenkins: I measure my kids' ages in terms of percent complete out of eighteen years. My kids are 22% and 38%.
@FrenulumBreve: Executioner: final words? Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Er: you done? Ee: didn't buy me as much time as I thought actually.
@sock_holliday: [Doctor's Office] Doctor: The bad news is you have 3 months to live. Me: What's the good news? Doctor: You should make it til Shark Week
@ZombieProblms: My wedding vows said "till death do us part." My wife died, so I was a free man. Then she came back and bit me.