If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
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You saw nothing. I am ham.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille