[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
You Might Also Like
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
I don’t think my car can fly
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school