@YesIamThatGuy: I go to McDonald's once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
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@Anon_o_Mom: My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can't stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
@Vodkantots: So do people not like it when you tell them they could totally do better after meeting their spouse? Flattery is hard.
@jimmytorosian: Me: I just souped up my car Person: What kind of engine did you put in it? *cut to me filling my car with tomato soup* Me: Um... A fast one.
@nbadag: 10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score! ME: y'know they're just numbers on a screen right? they don't mean anything [checks follower count]