@YesIamThatGuy: I go to McDonald's once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
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@0point5twins: "Is that your dog?" "No, actually she's adopted... we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"
@CabetoMejia: From 3am to 6am this morning I wanted to kill myself, but now I want some French toast. #cravings
@myles_morrison: I can tell everything I need to know about a person by how they cut their sandwich. Diagonal = normal Straight = serial killer No cut = dad