I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
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Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
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